Nathan and I made a counselor appointment. I was 35 minutes late. Because basically my life is in shambles and I can't even find my toothbrush. Some moments are easier than others. But Thursday was awful. And as I was crying on my way to the counselors which I could not find because google maps told me the wrong way and I had no cell phone to call anyone, I honestly had a moment where I could have driven my car into a wall.
I found the place eventually with the help from these two nice women at a condo office. Thursday was the day it all came crashing down. There hasn't been time to situate our belongings or find any kind of normal. All I keep thinking, is if we go back to the house we will feel normal again. We will be normal again. We will have Sunday coffee on the porch and quiet moments in the afternoon. I could tend my garden, Eleanor could pick carrots and the girls could swing on the tire swing. But we can't go back. I guess because we have options. And because we can't put our children in danger.
I've been back a few times, and every time I wave at the neighbors. I see Maria walking her three kids home from school. I see AB open up his corner store to the kids on their bikes. I see Leilani and we talk about the garden. And I wonder, if all of these people can stay here, why can't we??? Why can't we?
I told the counselor my thoughts on going back, and she said that she normally doesn't tell people what to do, but in this case the situation is dangerous. There is no mathematical projection of when another drive by could happen. It could happen tonight or tomorrow or ten years from now. And, there is no guarantee that my children or my husband or myself or my neighbors wouldn't die from a stray bullet. So we can't go back.
She said we have to figure out a new temporary normal. She said we have to take it day by day.
But when I came home Thursday, I saw my children for 15 minutes. And then they cried and cried for me to sleep with them. And finally when they were asleep, I went outside and cried and cried and yelled and hit the ground. And my body hurt afterwards.
We didn't just lose a house. We lost a dream.
And, I know we all have our lives. We all have our health, our love, our future ahead of us.
But it still fucking sucks some days.
Tags: via ljapp