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if you let me have my way...
i swear i'll tear you apart.
sgrless

Eleanor and I were playing a game, and she said, "the bad guys with the guns shot our house. Where do the bad guys come from?" and, I didn't know what to say. My eyes just filled with tears and many different thoughts..and I was just so grateful that Nathan was close enough to have heard, to come in, and give me strength in that moment.

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sgrless

Nathan and I made a counselor appointment. I was 35 minutes late. Because basically my life is in shambles and I can't even find my toothbrush. Some moments are easier than others. But Thursday was awful. And as I was crying on my way to the counselors which I could not find because google maps told me the wrong way and I had no cell phone to call anyone, I honestly had a moment where I could have driven my car into a wall.

I found the place eventually with the help from these two nice women at a condo office. Thursday was the day it all came crashing down. There hasn't been time to situate our belongings or find any kind of normal. All I keep thinking, is if we go back to the house we will feel normal again. We will be normal again. We will have Sunday coffee on the porch and quiet moments in the afternoon. I could tend my garden, Eleanor could pick carrots and the girls could swing on the tire swing. But we can't go back. I guess because we have options. And because we can't put our children in danger.

I've been back a few times, and every time I wave at the neighbors. I see Maria walking her three kids home from school. I see AB open up his corner store to the kids on their bikes. I see Leilani and we talk about the garden. And I wonder, if all of these people can stay here, why can't we??? Why can't we?

I told the counselor my thoughts on going back, and she said that she normally doesn't tell people what to do, but in this case the situation is dangerous. There is no mathematical projection of when another drive by could happen. It could happen tonight or tomorrow or ten years from now. And, there is no guarantee that my children or my husband or myself or my neighbors wouldn't die from a stray bullet. So we can't go back.

She said we have to figure out a new temporary normal. She said we have to take it day by day.

But when I came home Thursday, I saw my children for 15 minutes. And then they cried and cried for me to sleep with them. And finally when they were asleep, I went outside and cried and cried and yelled and hit the ground. And my body hurt afterwards.

We didn't just lose a house. We lost a dream.

And, I know we all have our lives. We all have our health, our love, our future ahead of us.
But it still fucking sucks some days.

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sgrless

Yesterday after I took my dad to the airport I spent the majority of the day crying off and on. We had a beautiful, wonderful visit. Eye opening and shocking. The whole time I thought about how it would be to have my dad again. Here. With me. But then I saw him with my girls. They loved him. Eleanor didn't want to leave his lap Friday night when we were sitting around the fire pit. So she got to stay up late. She asked for him every morning. He read them books, pushed them on the swing, played Legos, and ball. When I last saw my dad I was barely twenty years old, I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I was hell bent on walking down my own path. Of getting away. Running away. And then 11 years passed. I have so much emotion inside of me and I don't know what it is or how to communicate it or if how I'm feeling is good or bad. Or sad or happy. I could sleep for a week. I need to sleep for a week. I miss him so much already. And I'm so sad we missed all that time. But I guess we can only move forward now. I wish I had someone to talk to. But I don't know who.

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sgrless

Eleanor's favorite things: her binoculars, she wears them all the time, everywhere
Talking back... She's a bit dramatic.
She's also very sweet and loving. Loves to be held, given hugs, and tickles.
Drawing
Baking cakes.

Molly's favorite things: mama. She's still nursing two times a day. I don't really feel like I want to wean, but Nathan and his family are vocal about how weird it is. She's still a baby in my mind, and it's comforting!
Dancing. She loves to dance.
She is getting really good at mimicking sounds and words... Mama, dada, sisss.
Food!

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sgrless

I've decided I'm going to lose 15 lbs by my birthday. I'm 7 lbs away from my pre baby Eleanor weight, so another 8 on top of that is easy. I can feel a change. Then I'm going to get a tattoo on my rib cage.

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sgrless

I'm afraid I'm in over my head.

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sgrless

I think I'm going to have a hard time with growing old.

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sgrless

I never knew how deep politics, corruption, privilege and social justice really ran until I moved to Durham, NC. Weird.

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sgrless

I love my husband all the time. But when he's gone I love him more intensely. I miss him every minute. We make sense when we are together. We are home.

We built the beginnings of a coffee table for our anniversary. Tag teamed the kids. Ate a delicious roasted chicken. And had a bonfire. Four years of marriage. Seems so short when I think about our life together now.

I still remember the first day we met like it happened yesterday.

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sgrless

I know it shouldn't. Or maybe I'm just not okay that it does. But it hurts a lot that my brother eloped yesterday without telling me or my mom. My mom lives an hour away and he never has taken his now wife to meet her. I found out on Facebook.

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sgrless

I am shocked at how republican I have become.

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sgrless

It's really too bad all good things seem to end on a bad note lately.
I'm exhausted.

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sgrless

Somedays I forget who I am. I'm lost. I'm in jail. I can't breathe. I am weighed down by the constant reminder to clean though nothing is ever clean. I am weighed down by the piles of laundry ...dirty, clean, damp and moldy. This summer is so humid that everything is wet and nothing dries. I am weighed down by the fact that to get anything done on this house I must watch the kids. All day. Which means I get nothing done. Some days it's fine. Some days I don't feel is way and life doesn't look this way. But on those days it does I feel hopeless.

I don't want to feel this way.

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sgrless

Someone said my ass looked good today.
I'm 30 now and I have two kids. I don't really dress to show off my ass anymore. Did I ever?
It got me thinking though.... I'll be 50 in no time and might not have an ass to show off. So maybe I should now.

That's all.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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sgrless

I have never had a cavity in my life. I think I have two right now. Two! Maybe more. One of them is in my bottom wisdom tooth. Should I finally get them pulled? I haven't been to the dentist in years. I think I was 21 the last time I went. And then I did a terrible job of taking my prenatal vitamin while pregnant with Molly. Your teeth really suffer when you are pregnant. Two back to back pregnancies? It's over! I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate it. Scrapey Scrapey. And then there is that damn suck machine that sucks up your spit. And after a cleaning my teeth hurt for days.

I always thought a cavity was a black hole of rot in your tooth. I never knew it was just a hole.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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